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 Ms CYPRAH
ELAINE SIHERA (nicknamed Ms CYPRAH or Cyber-Oprah by friends , Emotional Health and Wellbeing Adviser and Diversity Management Consultant, is a British writer, media contributor, internet agony aunt and columnist
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Perfectionism in a relationship keeps partners stuck in the same spot because of low confidence and a lack of mutual respect. They are likely to bicker over every item under discussion, each one trying to achieve his/her own perfect ideal. Inevitably this will limit the perception of their individual capabilities, limit their opinion of each other and limit their achievement as a team. Being perfect keeps us in a narrow groove, giving us a tunnel vision which excludes everything to the left and right of us while we concentrate intensely on what is directly ahead. Being such a limited vision, we cannot see around us, so we miss available opportunities and options passing by. Not being so cursed, and more flexible, others who simply aim for excellence, take the very chances we fail to see.
Perfectionists with low self-esteem like to plan and wait; to put things off continually until a perfect moment comes. Or they plan elaborately so that the scheme is too grandiose to ever get off the ground. They get lost in minutiae, semantics, form or the glossy appearance and structure while they ignore the essential substance required for success. It massages their ego to make them think they are doing something so they thrill themselves with an ideal result, one which will not emerge until somewhere far enough in the distant future to prevent them ever reaching it. They hope that, by such time, it will have sorted itself out to their best advantage. But it only gets worse in the end, with very little reinforcement of their talents.
<b>Difficult Work Meetings</b>
In short, perfectionists want to achieve the success, the ideal state or the ultimate prize, but often without the hard graft and sacrifice needed to get it. That is why meetings at work can be so difficult and frustrating, with so many different personality types vying for recognition and competing for attention. Perfectionists will ensure that everyone is stuck in the same place sorting out semantics, as they point out why something won't work and hark back to past mistakes, while the confident doers will be kept well away from the decision to act. The low-confidence non-believers caught in the middle will just continue to do what they do best: believe that it will all end in tears, while they wait for others to act, with much jockeying and wrangling for good measure!
Perfectionists are likely to be whingers who constantly live in the land of regret complaining about everyone else’s perceived inadequacy. They are always sorry they did not do this or that. Focused on the things they cannot affect, and overwhelmed by the big picture, they forget that the longest journey begins with that very first step, and so they seldom take it. Often they do not take up glaring opportunities dancing in front of them, precisely because of their lack of confidence and self-belief. Instead, they prefer to believe they can do something better than the next person, always wishing they had acted differently. Of course, it is much better to justify their failures with hindsight instead of avoiding the perceived failure in the first place. Yet, if they thought hard enough about their past, they would realise that they blocked personal fulfilment all the way with much fear and very little action. Yet action is the only force to propel us to our destination.
<b>Making a Difference</b>
For example, in the first few years in my business, one of our printers used to tell me regularly what poor front cover design our magazine had. He could make it much better for more money, he kept saying, and showed off two new glossy magazines he was launching. I was vaguely envious, of course, but our magazine reflected our budget and expertise. I did not let our weak graphics deflect us from our purpose. We concentrated on the content instead. Nine years after his comments, our magazine was still there, increasing in readership and making a difference to personal knowledge and perception. His glossy magazines remained a ‘great idea’, never having seen the light of day because it lacked the content and the hard work required to make his dream a reality. It was obviously easier for him to be critical of mine than it was to carry his own idea forward.
Excellent examples of perfectionists include home builders and handymen who start do-it-yourself projects and never finish them, regardless of the inconvenience to their family or clients. They have this great end product in their mind which won’t reach fruition if they rush it. So, months, and even years, pass by and the house or room is still in the same dreadful state, that long-suffering family or clients have to bear. However, any offer from the partner, or someone else, to finish the job in another way is likely to be met with the greatest rebuttal and offended egos. Another example is the person who puts off every aspiration or ambition until the ‘right’ moment, but as they seldom do any preparation, that time never arrives to allow them to start, let alone to realise, their dream. |
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